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My Rant After The Pretty Little Liars Halloween Episode [18 Dec 2011|03:47pm]
beginning: Ali's story: "This is how I heard the story..." --Who told her this story? It's not exactly a common scary story, so if I had to go with someone who told it to her, it probably was Jason. I'm swaying towards the twin theory w/ my ideas because if there's no twin plot then a lot of stuff was done just to purposely mess with people who have read the books. For example, it would be one thing (still a very WEIRD thing) for Ali to tell this story, but it's entirely another thing for the writers of the show to make the decision to SHOW parts of the story to viewers. The twins that are shown without a doubt look like a younger version of Ali. I noticed that the one who stabbed her sister in this "fiction story" did the same smile that Ali does when we see her in the show-- the kind of b*tchy smile like when she smiles at Melissa even though she clearly hates her. It was the EXACT same face that Ali makes that the kid made in the story. I think that maybe the story is a little exaggerated, but that if it's based on Ali's life (or Ali's twins life depending on which one of the twins the girls actually know--I'll get to that in a sec), then Ali (or her twin) did something crazy to try to severely hurt her sister and her parents DID send her away.

Book stuff that has to do with the beginning story and the scene that comes after:
--In the books, Ali had a psycho twin named Courtney who was sent away to a place for the criminally insane just like in the story... But occasionally she would come home to visit her family. One of the times that Courtney came home, she tricked her parents into making them think that she was Ali, and Ali got sent to the place for the criminally insane and Courtney stole Ali's life... That's the reason she was friends with the girls; she had to choose all new friends because she didn't know anything about Ali's current friends. I think this could possibly have happened in the show also, because Ali (I'm just going to call her Ali from now on even though it could be her twin posing as her if they are taking that route) seems like she hasn't been friends with the girls for that long of a time in the Halloween episode.

Ali made a point of mentioning to Aria that "a week ago, Noel Kahn didn't even know your name." If this had been Ali's group of friends for a very long time, Noel would have known this and he wouldn't have asked them "you're Ali's friends, right?" when he was driving by the girls on the road in the scene after the scary story. The girls seem SHOCKED that Noel would invite them to the party and at first Ali is sort of b*tchy to them, but then she suddenly changes, makes a nice comment ("you're right and I'm happy we'll be there together") and does that weird smile thing that she does.

The thing that made me think that this either happened or they are severely messing with the book readers is that after Ali tells the story, the camera zooms in on this random car that says "Radley Sanatorium." In the books, that was the name of one of the mental places that Ali and Courtney were sent to. By the way, Ali also seemed really psycho while she was telling the story, like... it wasn't just your normal person telling a scary story. She stabbed that pumpkin like a psychopath.

I think that whichever twin we have seen in the show so far completely resents/hates the other twin because the other twin was probably the "perfect" one that the parents liked better. So I think because of that, Ali hates it when anyone can show her up/ compete with her. This leads to my other crazy theories.

But pretty much, I think that Ali purposely chose her group of friends because she knew she was either better than them in some way or she knew a secret about them that she could use as blackmail. Hanna is fat, so Ali doesn't need a secret on her b/c she already probably thinks she is better than her just because of this. She has the election thing on Spencer, the fact that Emily's gay and didn't really have sex with Ben on Emily, and Aria's dad's affair on Aria. Interesting "friendship" tactic.

As a random aside because I just got up to the scene with the costume store, I wonder what happened between Ali and Noel. They're like best friends in this episode but in one of the flashbacks of a party at Noel's it looked like this had changed and that Noel was REALLY pissed off at Ali. I still refuse to believe that Noel is A or the killer though, unless in the future episodes we see Noel interact with Jenna and Garrett or something. Also the way she and Jenna met was just very awkward to me lol. By the way, I don't think the "I'm watching you" text was from "A." I think that it was probably just Noel messing with her or something seeing as he just scared the SH*T out of her in the store. I will just mention now as well that the "pranks" played by Ali and now Noel in this show are not your typical pranks that friends play on one another. I know he was all in Halloween spirit and everything, but that was NOT a normal prank in my opinion. Also, we have Ali's "hoax" (which was originally planned with Noel) that I mention later.

Spencer & Melissa: Before Ali made that crazy speech to Spencer later on in the episode, it appears to me that Spencer and Melissa got along perfectly fine before Ali interfered with their relationship. I think Ali is probably the reason that Spencer and Melissa hate each other now. Also, just pointing out another awkward smile from Ali moment: when she says "It's comforting to know that Spencer can count on you" to Melissa. It also stood out to me that Ali said "that must be what happens when you have a perfect older sister." I think that (if I'm right about Ali having a twin) the reason she hates Melissa is because she reminds her of how HER sister was the "perfect one" in her family. I am unclear to exactly what is going on with this scene but it's very clear that Melissa and Ali do NOT get along.

Interesting that Melissa & Ian dressed as Bonnie and Clyde. At first I thought that it was just a red herring to make Melissa look bad. But now, I remember that everyone who thought Melissa might be "A" said that she wouldn't fit in at a party at Noel Kahn's house (when "A" stole the pics of Emily and Maya) because she's older... but this clarified that Noel has an older brother who is Melissa's age and maybe he had friends over at the party where the pics were stolen too... so maybe Melissa WAS there... I think that most of the things that are said in the show are said for a reason, and I don't see any other reason behind Spencer making the point that "these must be Eric's friends... He's Noel's older brother." Thus far in the plot, it would be irrelevant to introduce the fact that Noel has an older brother unless it were to explain that older people ie Melissa and Wilden (who were actually shown at Noel's party) and perhaps Garrett, would not necessarily be out of place.

I do not know if that matters though thinking back, because theoretically "A" was the one who was texting Melissa pretending to be Ian when he was already dead, so that seems to rule Melissa out as "A" anyway... hmmm -- I still think there is something weird about this. Melissa does have a crazy temper and personality, but I do NOT think that she would pretend to send text messages to herself, freak out when she found Ian's body and go ape-sh*t on Spencer when she thought that Spencer was the one sending the text messages.

**Random Aside Regarding Wren**: They STILL have now made the point that older people could fit in at parties. Wren is another older person who could potentially fit in at these functions. IF, and I have no idea who "A" actually is, but if Wren is "A," the Texts That Were Not Ian have potential to make sense. Wren could have sent those texts to Melissa knowing that if he sent her texts asking for painkillers and what-not posing as Ian, that Melissa would likely contact WREN for help. Even though he claims that he does NOT want to cause trouble for the Hastings' sisters, there is no guarantee that he is being honest. He could have sent those texts to Melissa. Depending on how crazy he is, he could potentially be the person who pushed Ian off of the bell tower because (I know this is a tad far-fetched) he wanted Spencer back, but his MO was telling Spencer that he wanted MELISSA back. SO if he wanted Spencer back and somehow knew that Ian was trying to kill her, he would definitely have a reason to not allow that to happen, AND it would simultaneously get Ian out of the picture.

That way, Wren could pretend that he was making his way back into the Hastings' lives to comfort Melissa, when really he wants Spencer back. He could have easily been lying when he told Spencer that he had no idea what had happened with her and Ian and that he had no idea she was involved in all this. He ALSO was at the scene when Melissa found Ian's body, and he orchestrated a way for the girls to be present when he made that phone call for Spencer telling Melissa that he would not give her the painkillers unless he could come with her to find Ian. ALSO, when he called Spencer to tell him that he was going with Melissa to find Ian, before they got off of the phone, Wren said "WAIT SPENCER..." but she had hung up the phone. Wait, what? What did he want to tell her? Did he perhaps already know that Ian was dead and want to give her some sort of warning that this wasn't going to be a pretty scene? HMM. Also, since he was there, he easily could have been the person to put Ian's phone in Spencer's bag.

*ALTHOUGH* : I would just like to also point out that the whole thing with Ian's phone was stupid because the text messages were not sent necessarily from Ian's phone; they were sent from an unknown number, like the phone "A" probably uses, and like the phone Spencer used when she was texting Ian asking for money. I think A just put Ian's phone in Spencer's bag to cause a rift between the sisters. Perhaps "A" was aware that the sisters were about to disclose secrets to each other, secrets that "A" might not have wanted shared. Remember, we still have no idea what Melissa was about to tell Spencer when that damn phone rang. **


ALSO, I think that since (again if I'm right about this sister thing) Ali has a screwed up family, she wants all of her friends' families to be screwed up as well. This could be another reason why she does not want Spencer and Melissa to get along. Hanna's family is already messed up because of the dad leaving, which they remind us of when Hanna and her mom talk about the "mess they're in." Also obviously it's very weird that Wilden and Hanna and her mom had already met. When Wilden first approached the girls, Hanna did not let on at ALL that she knew who he was prior to her shoplifting incident. Another weird thing is that later on in this episode we see JENNA talking to Wilden. She seemed like she was flirting with him... Maybe she has a thing for men in uniform or something.

**also: weird thing I noticed which I'm not sure if it matters: In episode 1, Hanna's mom said that she ran into Aria's mother (AFTER ARIA'S FAMILY GOT BACK FROM IRELAND) and that Aria's mother didn't know that Hanna's dad had left.. I found that weird because when I initially saw episode 1, I assumed that Hanna's dad must have left when Aria's family was in Ireland, but apparently that's not the case... Almost seems like a continuity error or something.


The girls at lunch: Mona tried to sit with them and Ali was SUCH A B*TCH. "If you ignore it, it will go away." I know that no one thinks A can be Mona just because she was A in the books... but nobody ever said that they weren't using the same "A," they just said that they were doing things differently from the book... not necessarily different A's, and I have a few reasons to believe that Mona IS A, and that scene is one of them. SO is the flashback scene that we already saw before this episode with Ali and Aria ignoring Mona while she was calling after them. Mona probably resented and hated Ali so much, and prob hated her friends too because they didn't do anything to stop Ali from being such a b*tch.

Cue into Ali and Aria "catching" Aria's dad cheating. I put "catching" in quotes because it just seems like Ali already knew about this before. It kind of seems like too much of a coincidence for her to run into some random alley and BOOM there's Aria's dad and Meredith. Also why do they purposely place Mona in the scene right before they find Ali's dad cheating? I doubt it's a coincidence... Mona probably knows about Aria's dad... She probably followed them or something because I don't think the writers would put that in for no reason.

Next scene... Ali randomly went home and changed her clothes which might be normal, but maybe it's secretly the twin home visiting? Probably not though. BUT there are pictures in the room that show TWO blonde girls hanging on the wall and a picture of Jason in the middle. It's either twins or Ali is really arrogant and it's two pictures of Ali. We also see Ali paying Jason for a secret, meaning she might know a LOT more than she lets on... and she's writing it all down in her diary for someone to find. (in the books, A used Ali's diary to learn secrets about the girls.) Also I THINK the French sign on her wall said something about twins, but I had a hard time getting a good shot of it... I could NOT pause it and see it clearly! Blah blah Jason and his friends are making a movie... probably has something to do with this NAT club sh*t. Not sure where the "it's my turn to torture you" note came from... but Ali def seemed to be hiding it almost as if she was saving it so if something happened to her there would be evidence. I don't what's up with that doll... something to do with the fact that in her scary story the twins were fighting over a doll? The whole concept of that scene was creepy. Ali seemed genuinely afraid of someone after she got that note, and the only one we've really seen her "torture" before she got that note is Mona, and I doubt Ali would be that scared of Mona, which is why I think that the note could be from her sister possibly (if the sister exists)... or Jason being an a**hole and messing with her.

Wilden goes to Hanna's house again and is really creepy with that watch yourself on the roads shit, but I'm not sure what to make of it.

Regarding the election thing, Ali could've set the entire thing up to make it LOOK like she is the reason Spencer won. She might be lying about this... Maybe she asked her friend on the election committee to set this whole lie up. Then Ali gives her creepy random speech about why Spencer should HATE Melissa, Spencer's "perfect" sister. She seems really angry about this... While she's talking to Spencer about Melissa, she's also pushing pins into a voodoo apple type thing.

*Another random comment and I am crediting my friend for pointing this out to me... Um I can't remember if it was my friend Mary or my friend Meri, lol similar names... so whichever one of you it was, here is your credit. There is an apple theme going on in PLL. Ali has that voodoo apple whatever that was, when Emily sees the "missing Alison Dilaurentis" newspaper article in the garbage in one of the episodes, there is an apple right on top of it, and when Ali crashes Spencer and Emily's sleepover, she says "Your family has the WORST APPLES." I have no clue what this means, but it's weird.


Of course Ali rubs the election thing in Spencer's face and the cheating thing in Aria's face. And wowwww she is SUCH a b*tch to Lucas for no apparent reason. I sort of think the writers want to trick us into making us think Lucas is A or the killer, but what we really also learn about from this scene is that Mona was standing right there looking pissed/scared, so that's how she knew about Ali's nickname for Lucas... Because before this we never knew how Mona found out about that. I ALSO think that the reason Ali was so mean to Lucas in that scene was not because he spilled something on her, but to show/remind her friends of how much power she has to destroy somebody.

Creepy person watching the girls when they're getting ready for Halloween... Not so sure about this one... Probably either A or the killer. Then Ali pretty much forces Aria to go to this party and I think it was just to reassure that she has power over her friends. She feels the need to remind Aria that she knows a secret that can destroy her family. I don't know, I just found their conversation weird. I wouldn't want a friend like Ali, at least definitely not in that scene. And there's that "a week ago Noel Kahn didn't even know your name..." STILL don't understand why that would be if the girls were friends for awhile.
**Also, this girl Jami that I know pointed out that when Noel invited them to the party, he looked STRAIGHT at Aria and was like "so will I see you at my party?" So it was NOT exactly that difficult for Ali to "score Aria an invite" to the party. She just said that to be obnoxious.

Then Ali says "are you sure we're the only ones who saw them? I'd hate for her to find out from someone else," which is clearly her threatening her... but maybe it's a reminder that Mona possibly saw them and will one day tell Aria's mom.

Oh HEY Jenna dressed as Lady Gaga ("Lady G") also except she looks insanely better than Ali, who doesn't even really look like Lady Gaga come to think of it. I wouldn't have had any idea what she was dressed as if she didn't say it in the store... Also Noel didn't realize that's what she was dressed as either, because when he came up to them talking about their costumes, he just said Ali was "a hot chick." Ali is probably pissed that Jenna wore a "twin costume" (dressed up as the same person) except she looks a lot better. Noel definitely thought Jenna looked hot... He like RAN away from the girls to go up to Jenna. Ali doesn't like competition and she definitely doesn't like losing.

Oh hi Mona... "Do I know you?" "No, but you will." Seeing as Ali and Mona never became friends in the show, I don't see why they would include this line... unless Ali DID get to know Mona...as "A." Also random but I love how suddenly Mona morphed from looking like a weird nerd to looking gorgeous at the party haha.

Ali's conversation w/ Jenna: Ali explains to Jenna how powerful she is... "They know they need me," "If I accept you everyone will." Jenna doesn't seem to give a sh*t about this at all and is not at all intimidated by Ali. Ali has NO power over her like she does over everyone else and this probably makes her really angry. Jenna's her competition and right now it looks like she's winning. If Ali has this "needing to look like the best" complex that I think she has especially if she has a twin sister, then this definitely explains why Ali would HATE Jenna... And we needed a reason... because now that we know Toby was never creeping on the girls on the night of "The Jenna thing," we needed to know Ali's real reason for doing what she did. I definitely think that if Ali had a twin, the way Jenna behaved that night probably reminded her of the twin.

Then of course Mona somehow witnessed the fact that the two of them have rivalry and tells Jenna that she's the best Gaga lol. They introduce themselves, and maybe they even were friends and we never knew about it. When Jenna says "you better not tell Alison that," Mona says that Ali doesn't scare her. This is a big change from when Mona was literally shaking in the hallway after she saw how mean Ali was to Lucas. Maybe Mona's not scared of Ali anymore because she's already plotting revenge. Also if Jenna and Mona were friends, it'd likely piss Mona off that Ali BLINDED her friend. More motive.

Random but Jenna weirdly seems like she's flirting with everyone she meets, guy or girl lol.

Obviously Ali has to rub the election thing in Spencer's face AGAIN by giving the "ballots" to her. She tells Spencer that she should get rid of the evidence, THEN when Spencer burns the ballots Ali suddenly says "I thought you'd look at them first" after she TOLD Spencer to get rid of them. Then she made that b*tchy comment that Spencer should see who her friends aren't. boom Spencer "needs" Ali.

Emily and Jenna are like eye f**king while Jenna is dancing and this probably pisses Ali off a lot because she probably does not want any of her friends talking to Jenna, who Ali has already deemed a "slut." Based on what? The fact that Jenna isn't scared of her and doesn't feel like she NEEDS Ali to survive? Lol. Also it seems like someone is watching Ali during the entire time between when she's talking to Spencer and when she goes up to Emily to interrupt her eye f**king moment with Jenna. That's prob the killer I think... Suddenly Ali disappears.

First of all, this joke that Ali planned on playing on the girls is a messed up, abnormal joke even if it had gone as planned (and Noel had shown up). Since Noel says he did NOT show up, someone had to have overheard Ali and Noel's plan in order to know that Ali expected to be lured to that creepy house. Prob the person who overheard somehow is the killer... I don't think the person who was like beating the sh*t out of Ali while Ali thought it was Noel is "A," but I think it's the killer judging by the violence. And Noel looked sincere when he told Ali that it was NOT him so I believe that it actually was somebody else. Maybe Jason and his "stoner buddies" figured out Ali and Noel's plan while they were making their movie that if he told Ali what it was about, "he'd have to kill her."

Since when the girls find Ali, she still thinks that Noel went along with the joke, Ali is a VERY good liar with this "hoax" she played on the girls... She's definitely crazy... Maybe crazy enough to have been at a mental institution and then get out of it by tricking her parents into sending her twin back to the institution instead? I don't know, I've never had a friend that would make an evil plan like that, not even on Halloween. Seems pretty psychotic. She planned this whole thing just AGAIN to make sure that her friends would do whatever the fuck she wants and she has all of the power.

**ALSO: in episode one, Ali's prank on the girls was a bit tamer than that, but I still do not see why she feels the need to scare the living sh*t out of her friends so that she can enjoy a good laugh because of her "jokes," which Noel eloquently pointed out in the Halloween episode that he gets, but one day ALI MIGHT MEET SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT GET HER JOKES. I AGREE with Noel because I do not like Ali's "jokes" at all and would not want to have a friend who played "jokes" like that on me.


When they go back to the party it seems like the people their age have mostly left and it's mostly Eric's friends now. This would give anyone time to have gone home and change into a creepy zombie costume. I think they're trying to trick us AGAIN with this Lucas thing... I do NOT think that was him who was fighting with Ali... it does show us how much Lucas hates her though. Also, the person fighting with Ali couldn't have been Ian or Melissa because they were at the party while it was happening. While they were all gone though, anyone could've had enough time to change into a zombie costume (b/c A was wearing that at the end)... It clearly wasn't Lucas who sent the text because he wasn't hiding where "A" was... he had just slammed into Ali and said "bitch!" so again I do not think A is Lucas... But maybe if it wasn't Ali's sister (who I'm not sure exists lol) who was watching the girls get ready and was wearing a zombie costume, maybe it was Mona.

I know everyone thinks A isn't Mona because of the books, but I just think there were like a million clues in this episode.

**one more thing: I am still VERY curious to know why Ian was trying to KILL Spencer now that we know that he is NOT Ali's killer. "I am doing this because I love your sister." What is that even supposed to mean? Does that mean that Melissa wants Spencer dead?

The End.... for now
1 critics be my worst critic

You wouldn't believe me if I told you [24 Apr 2011|04:50pm]
It's ironic really that my school didn't let me finish my last semester because I got sick, but I feel as if I'm learning more than I ever have in my life during this time.

I'm learning about myself and the things that make me happy, which is the most important thing in life. I'm practicing French, I'm reading books that I never had time to read... and I feel the best I ever have in my life.

Now "it's about making that feeling last" --breaking bad
3 critics be my worst critic

Just started a new blog :) [05 Feb 2011|04:11pm]
To those who still read this (and I appreciate it very much)
I started a new blog... I'm keeping this one OBVIOUSLY haha, and the new blog is not a journal-type, it's me writing about topics that I find interesting... I would really appreciate if you would check it out!

the link is: http://www.konsiderit.com

So far I've written 2 entries... One is about how there was an attempt at redefining rape and the 2nd one is about bullying...


be my worst critic

Whyyy [22 Jan 2011|07:04am]
I just don't understand why so many people become so cruel and evil in a world that could be beautiful.

I don't understand what happened to make them this way... and why they think it's funny to bring others down.

They could be helping people but they enjoy the opposite.

and I still see potential for the world but I hope I'm not alone in this.
2 critics be my worst critic

[22 Dec 2010|05:08am]
submitting my application to withdraw from law school tomorrow... surreal, sad, but necessary
1 critics be my worst critic

[10 Dec 2010|09:42pm]
I really want finals to be over so I can enjoy my fabulous 2 week "break."

I have a 50 page paper to write (at LEAST 50 pages), and I'm supposed to have a partner for it, but she refuses to participate because she has to study for exams... umm so do I.... so I am writing it by myself because I don't really feel up to failing a class because my partner has to study... obviously in law school you have to study... it's expected.. or I guess not for some people... whatever.

Ohhh and she DID email me last weekend on Saturday at ONE IN THE MORNING asking me to meet in White Plains the next day... and I was on Long Island and had made plans with my family for Sunday, but I told her that I'd be available any other day of the entire week to work on it... and she told me that I missed my chance and that was the only day she had to work on this... yeah OKAY

I want to go home... but I used to consider home wherever I was surrounded by people who I trust... & I don't know where that is anymore... so I guess I'll stay here.
be my worst critic

[05 Dec 2010|03:26pm]
I am going to start using this again... I used to write a little bit like every day and it really helped me to document my life... Sometimes it's interesting looking back and seeing what has changed, so I want to have a record of things that happen... plus MAYBE some other people are interested in reading also haha...

I seriously can't believe that I'm at the end of this semester of law school & that the next one is my LAST. Even though DURING school it seems to go by so slow and seems to be such torture, when I look back now it seems like it went SOO fast. I guess that's because I'm looking at the past now instead of the future. When I think about time as everything is still happening, it seems like forever, but when it's ending it seems like two minutes.

I still don't believe ANYONE who has told me that I will one day MISS law school... NO I WILL NOTTT!!!

Sometimes I worry that doing too much work drains creativity. I keep praying that it doesn't happen to me.

I'm also going through a phase (another one) where I can't stand FAKE PEOPLEEE at all. I never know who is telling me the truth and who is lying, and it shouldn't be that way. I wish people could just be themselves, so I could KNOW if I like my friends or if I like the fake versions of them. Or maybe I don't like some of them at all ;)

I can't believe some people still act so juvenile when we're so much older now. I feel like I could've written some of this entry back in high school... and I never want to go back to days like the ones in high school.
be my worst critic

To Do [14 Nov 2010|02:56am]
I was going to write a TO DO list, but I realized that it would likely be longer than the finished products... Of course I would overachieve at writing a TO DO list... ;)

I know this stress is going to come at this time of year, I should be used to it, yet every time it still feels like a shock.

I hope I can do it... I don't want to let anyone or anything ruin it.
2 critics be my worst critic

[02 Sep 2010|06:21pm]
I've been working on a website for my writing and would appreciate if anyone would check it out and read the articles. Thank you. :

be my worst critic

[01 Apr 2010|10:07pm]
I'll sit on the sideline exhaling pride
Honor doesn't cease to shine even when I hide
I'll linger in the background; I'll stay behind the scene
You'll hear the sound of my smile although I'm unseen
I'll be but a shadow floating towards your dream
Colorless, I'm glad though to be aboard your team.
The secrets I'll suppress while watching you succeed
Couldn't matter less; your happiness is all I need.
2 critics be my worst critic

fast [13 Jan 2010|02:16am]
I feel like life is moving so fast
I blink and the present is already the past
I wish I could take back that day
I wish I had known that you were ok
So fast it seems and I'm already 23
yet I feel like I haven't even become me
Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend
I'm not living my life without my best friend
I try to picture you in my future days
Constantly trying to think of ways
And every time that I make believe
Temporarily I feel relieved
Then I wake up and face the facts
I can never take it back
It's not just an exaggerated claim
I'll really never be the same.
be my worst critic

[30 Dec 2009|12:53pm]
It's like I'm trying to rip creativity out of my poisonous environment & all I'm getting are thin strands, bits and pieces of the girl I used to be. Even if I gather every piece, if I put them all together they will never be the same. With overuse the pieces have become worn and jagged and don't fit comfortably where they used to. I hope I can put them together differently to create something better and stronger than what was there in the first place.

be my worst critic

[14 Dec 2009|08:02pm]
Never life your whole life with someone else in mind
You won't like the emptiness it leaves behind
I can't do this anymore
I miss the way life was before
Even if none of it was real
I miss the way I used to feel
Now I feel trapped in my own skin
Just stuck here letting you win
Now I feel trapped in my own skin

be my worst critic

sdfja;lkdfja; [28 Sep 2009|08:03pm]
My whole life is a pattern and if I could lift a boulder I'd throw it at these boundaries...

Will I ever be ok?
Will I make it through?
& even if somehow I do
Will I even want to stay?
Breezes smack me in the face
as the clouds conceal the sun
Stranded, I dream in the dark
Of a day when I can run
I've read in books that dreams come true
but I refuse to simply wait
With every second I'll find a cue
Not to become a slave to fate
I won't let tomorrow grasp my hand
& drag me down the street
Each day won't be another demand
I'm required to meet
In my life I'll take the lead
& even when I lose, I'll learn
to my desires I will heed
It's finally my turn.
be my worst critic

~~~~ [02 Aug 2009|10:12pm]
I remember in high school I always heard adults tell me that I'd never keep in contact with any of the friends I made there. I remember walking through the halls thinking about that advice and once it really got to my head, once I realized how much truth the adults' statements contained, many people became blurred to me, almost as if I didn't want to see them if in a few years we'd hardly remember each other. I still do speak to some people from high school though, & I'm grateful for that...

I never heard the same warning when it came to college. My parents always told me that they still remained close with their college friends; that college was where they met some of their best friends. They created friendships that lasted a lifetime. I have albums full of pictures from college, memories that I could spread out for miles. I can look at any one of those pictures and remember a particular night as if it just happened. I never look at the pictures though and I never talk to the people in them. I thought being forgotten by people I called my best friends would hurt more than this, but it's surprisingly numbing, almost like I skipped the wound and went straight to icing it to make it heal as fast as possible. My dad used to always tell me to label my pictures, to put captions on them for when I forgot the names of the people surrounded by the frames. I always laughed and told him I'd never forget their names; the idea seemed impossible to me. Now it's not so humorous; it's the truth...the cold, numb truth... and if they don't care then neither do I. :)
be my worst critic

The Moral of the Story [13 Jul 2009|01:41am]
When I was young, I was told many stories. This isn't the part that surprises me. Most children love hearing stories, being equipped with wild imaginations and interminable curiosity. Most children also faced expectations of memorizing morals of those stories, whether they were fiction, fantasies, or just plain fabrications printed on a page for the purpose of forcing advice into young children.

I really took this habit with me, too. It still hibernates in my everyday life. Whenever anything happens in life, no matter how monotonous, I meticulously monitor the scenario and try to find the moral; the solution.

That's why I don't understand when tragic stories, non-fiction at that-- seep into our lives, no one seems mesmerized-- no one remembers to mull around for the moral.

I can even mash this sadly missed moral into 3 words-- complete with alliteration.

Drugs=Dangerous--> Death.

Call it a moral, call it an equation; it equals an unlearned lesson here.

No, they don't learn, they run back to the disaster and let it drown them to the point where they can never submerge the same.
be my worst critic

FML yes [30 Jun 2009|03:01am]
Today, my boyfriend and I dropped his cousin off after driving her to visit her newborn child at the hospital. It's a 2-door car and I pulled the lever so I could sit shotgun. It was stuck, my boyfriend helped and suddenly the lever snapped my fist into my face. I PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE FACE. FML.

[[true story]]
be my worst critic

~~~~~ [30 Jun 2009|02:31am]
"The way that you handle that is to show up at the door with a hand grenade." -- Papa [[my grandpa]] lol haha
be my worst critic

Today my boyfriend's brother, Bryan received a record that he had ordered from Finland on a professional website created for the sales of music products, kind of like a themed ebay. When he opened it, he inspected it to discover a thumb print of tomato sauce staining the record.

I just don't understand the seller's possible thought process. I'm picturing a scenario in which a man is eating a grandiose Italian dinner in Finland and inadvertently spilling some tomato sauce on a record. I then wonder what provoked him to believe that it was still ok to place an advertisement for his tomato-tainted record on this professional website. Was he hoping that some stupid American would purchase it and fail to notice that the record included 1/4 of his delicious dinner on it?
be my worst critic

~~~~ [28 Jun 2009|02:03pm]
The success shining in his eyes
stings the failure flooding through mine
He cringes; he feels sympathetic;
While I'm feeling simply pathetic
I didn't think it could rain anymore this month
but as this downpour drags my dreams down the street
& puddles fill with my defeat
I realize I was wrong.
be my worst critic

...... [25 Jun 2009|02:40am]
painted personalities

if makeup could modify attitude
& not just appearance
if a paintbrush and a palette
could manufacture perseverance
if lipstick could lead lips
into genuine smiles and laughs
if crying could be stopped
with just cosmetic crafts
if concealer could obscure
all of the blemishes in pride
the plagues of personality flaws
would be so simple to hide.
but altering pigments
can't overshadow pain
emotion cannot be eclipsed
by the shimmer of a stain.
be my worst critic

shivering salutations [25 Jun 2009|01:50am]
I wish I could just wear confidence on my face. Why does makeup only apply to physical appearance? I wish that with the light stroke of a brush, I could paint pride on my face. I'm talking about the kind of pride that I'd feel burning through my cheeks; I don't want the pride that shows up in pictures that don't portray true emotions. Anyone can fake a smile. Physical blemishes can hide behind the barricades of concealer and photoshop.

If technology or cosmetics could conceal my inner phantoms, I could walk the world a less weary woman; a woman without worries.

People fear growing old and some even get surgery to render the signs of aging invisible. For them, smooth skin absent wrinkles makes them happier. Me, I fear growing old and wearing the wrong lines on my face. I don't want my skin to crumple into a collection of lines that developed from constant worrying. Skin creases with age and experience and I don't want anxiety to extinguish my opportunity to experience the world.

Photoshop can't fix this; nor can surgery or makeup, and even if they could,they'd really just create temporary solutions. Wash off the makeup, the skin remains. Imperfections make people unique. I want to embrace my unique attributes instead of hiding them. My personality should not have to hibernate because this season, some people don't like it.
be my worst critic

fight club [24 Jun 2009|09:55pm]





If I were born somewhere else
raised somewhere else
or even by different people
or no one at all
would anybody even recognize me?

If I had one day to walk around with a different face
would people look at me differently?
maybe I'd get some glances & gazes
brand new ones that would amaze me
maybe I'd find out what I missed
& maybe after seeing it all
I'd still want to wake up at home.
be my worst critic

......... [23 Jun 2009|04:14am]
I wish I was still in the picture.
Years ago we patiently posed in lots--
Some seemed to lack any purpose
But amidst to the surplus of shots--
even those dreaded candids
I saved memories forever in frames
with a flash I thought it'd last forever
or at least in my mind could remain
But now new pictures have come to replace
the ones I used to display with glee
Mine hide in a surreptitious space
The new ones are similar, but omit me
I wish I was still in the picture
I thought I'd look at my past fondly
I didn't foresee this tearful blur
But if this is all I can get
then I'll take it and try to smile
Pictures & memories shouldn't come with regret
so I'll keep them in a precious pile.
be my worst critic

[20 Jun 2009|02:24am]
Sometimes I wish I didn't miss out on so much of my life.
1 critics be my worst critic

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